- November 24th, 2005
...it sort of got me thinking. Maybe it was the abundance of it on my friends page, or maybe it was the movie tonight. I dunno. But it got long.
I decided to wind down to get to bed early tonight in preparation for the Big Day tomorrow at work by watching a movie. That's hard when you have a relatively small number of DVDs and you've seen them all a million times and are easily bored...
But I saw The Bridges of Madison County, and thought, hey, I haven't watched this in a while. So I put it on.
What a good movie. I bought it without having seen it, just knowing it'd be right up my emo-dramatic alley. And so it was! It reminds me a lot of my grandma and the way she sees things. So traditionally, and so black and white. Things are either Right or Wrong, no in-between.
It made me wonder if she's ever done anything like Francesca. What if she fell in love with some handsome man a thousand times different than her? While her husband was overseas and her kids were at... camp, or whatever they did back then. And if she's going to take it with her to the grave, or keep some trunk with her secrets for my dad and aunt to find later.
Which leads me to wonder... in that situation, where you meet the supposed man/woman of your dreams, you have a blissful few days together, before you never see each other again... always wondering what may have happened, what it could have been like if you were to have chosen differently and been with that person instead, and taken a risk and left everything you knew for that once-in-a-lifetime love of your life.
I guess I don't think anyone would be as happy if they followed through with it. No matter how much you loved that person in the few short days you knew each other, no matter how much that person touched you, how much that short time meant to you, would it last forever? I don't think so. I don't think that makes me a bitter old hack, either. I just don't think things work out like that.
Maybe that's why I don't really have any faith in myself to be the "marrying type." No matter how much magic, how much infatuation or even crazy, wonderful obsession is present in the beginning, it just can't last forever, can it? There will come a point where there is no mystery left, where there is nothing new to learn about a person, and all that's left is a sense of misplaced dependence and routine.
All right, that sounds a bit jaded, and I don't mean for it to. It's not lke I'm some middle-aged single woman who's had a string of bad relationships that didn't go anywhere. I just feel like there is definitely a honeymoon period, and that it will definitely end.
I suppose I crave more excitement than that. There is a part of me that really wants to settle down someday, to have someone to take care of who will take care of me, someone who I can share my life with who will willingly share theirs.
I think what it all comes down to is that sometimes I'm in the mood to play house. But like all games, you get bored with it and want to move on to something else.
You can never have that first kiss again. No matter how hard you try to recreate it... isn't that what it's all about? Isn't that the part everyone loves so much? The first time you hold hands, the first time you kiss, the thought of how wonderful everything is.
To be with someone a long time past that honeymoon stage means you get to know all of their bad traits. The things that will make you, at times, wonder what it was you saw in that person. To see that man or woman you fall in love with, like in the movie, for a few days, to only see their wonderful, admirable and intriguing qualities, and to have that be the memory you carry with you for the next 30 years, geez, doesn't that sound romantic? I guess, I guess not. I mean, you'll spend the rest of your life reminiscing about it, wondering what could have been.
But movies and novels have romanticized the hell out of it, and it's bewitched me a little into thinking that that may be the only way to live. Constantly seeking out the most romantically dramatic situations and feeling compelled to end them in the same manner to keep that feeling alive. I guess I crave feeling. I get upset when I'm not feeling something intense.
That astrologer said I'd be married in 30 months. That completely contradicts all I'm saying here, and maybe in 30 months I will decide I am so utterly in love with whomever and want that close, forever sort of feeling. If this were to happen, I don't know if I dread it or look to it with anticipation.
I've felt that feeling before, that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone. Sometimes it went away, sometimes it didn't. But it certainly didn't work out in the end, any of the couple times. Maybe I was a little bitter about that. I thought, at the end of my last relationship, that that was the most intensely I had ever felt that I wanted to be with someone forever. And I thought, wow, if it worked so well for so long, and it even ended on good terms, and that was the best relationship I'd been in, why bother? There's no guarantee that the way it works so perfectly will continue or guarantee happiness forevermore. It's just not worth it.
But of course it is. I mean, I look back happily on our first few months togethr, during that "honeymoon phase," and I think, "wow, that was fun. I hope I get to do that again sometime." I don't think of it with some sadness or regret, wishing I still had it, or thinking I never will again. In fact, I think that situation taught me a lot about how to perceive my next relationship, whenever that may be. Live up that honeymoon phase, and don't take each other for granted. I don't think it really got to that point, at least too often, before, but that's why I feel like that. because that's what made it good. You know? A continued interest in who the other person is and what they're thinking and what they have to say and do.
Relationships are funny. I mean, really, what's the point? Why does everyone freak out about it so much? Because it's human nature to not want to be alone? I don't really buy that. I think it was originally human nature to pick someone who's genes looked like a good fit to carry on the human race. Well, I don't just think that, that's how it is/was. But what I'm getting at is that I think this profound need to be with someone and in some sort of loving, one-on-one relationship is NOT human nature, but conditioned in our brains from a long time ago. I don't necessarily think it's natural to be with just one person forever. It just can't be.
I'm reading this book called "The Red Tent," set in Biblical times. The way that these people's families works is that everyone has a role. The men want as many sons as possible and the women are there to make those babies for him. There is sometimes love, sometimes not. But it doesn't really matter. The men don't need love, they need women to take care of them because they know how to take care of people. The women get their love and affection from the other women, and that's just fine with them. There's no need there to have one man or woman to love and love you back. Hell, the men marry sets of sisters and they aren't pissed about it.
But I live too much in this culture to be okay with my husband or boyfriend making babies with other women while he's with me. Being cheated on isn't something I'd like to experience. (well, I have once before that I know of, but it was "only a kiss" and it was back in high school, so I hardly count it, really.)
But I also think the concept of having one person who is "yours" and belonging to another person is, while romantic, a bit unhealthy. It undermines individuality and basic human nature in the way that I believe it exists.
Meh. I'm quite content where I'm at, I suppose. I have more than enough love surrounding me and people to give affection to in some way or another... no one I can really say is "mine" to give affection to, but that's okay right now. I don't know, I'm only 22.
It's also times like these, after a big holiday, when things are winding down, that my mind wanders. All the itty-bitty remnants of that pesky old ocd and paranoid anxiety come back and give me crazy panic attacks and make me think I'm going to die. I've been through enough of these winters to know how the system works and how it's just an annoying cycle, but it still exists and I wonder if it ever will just completely go away. Maybe that's why I never liked winter. I feel okay in the summer. ...